Wednesday, September 21, 2005

The Evil Eye?*

Have you ever wondered if you're cursed? I have, and I'm beginning to believe it's true.

As you know, I've had alot of bad luck lately. Actually, just one BIG bout of bad luck. I was fired from my job in August and have been struggling financially ever since. Well, I've been struggling for a long time, but I didn't start thinking about the curse thing until my best friend, Miss R., went to see a tarot reader.

Now I don't really like the idea of going to tarot readers or any other kind of psychics because the Bible commands us not to, but Miss R. really believes in it and even dabbles in it herself. I've acutally had her read my palm a couple of times just to see if there was really any power to it. I didn't see any spectacular results so I never did it again; plus, I felt guilty because of the Bible thing. But since I got fired I'm really staring to wonder if someone or something as it in for me.

See, when Miss R. came back from the tarot reader she didn't look so good. She looked scared. I thought the reader had told her that someone she loved was going to die or something and I asked Miss R. if that was the case. Miss R. said that the reader didn't say anything like that but that she did know things about Miss R. she shouldn't have known. One of the things the reader said was that Miss R. had the evil eye on her. Someone was very jealous of her and wanted her to fail; that was why she always had obstacles in her life and had to struggle for everything she had. When Miss R. said that a light bulb went on over my head. That's the way I've felt all my life!

All my life has been one long struggle: a struggle against obesity; a struggle against feelings of worthlessness; a struggle against constant lonliness even though I have loving friends; a struggle against fears of all kinds; a struggle against constant dissatisfaction; and, perhaps the worst one of all, a struggle against constant failure. No matter what I do, it never comes out right in the end. My last job is a prime example. I've been behind on my rent almost constantly since my Dad died. I was so looking forward to Friday, September 9, because that was pay day and I would finally be able to get caught up on the rent. It was going to be a happy day. I wouldn't have to live in fear and shame over my rent problem. Then bam! My boss fires me on August 22. No paycheck coming on September 9. So now I'm reduced to begging on yahoo boards and my blog for charity from total strangers, and even that's a bust. No one seems to care enough to help. But I have a feeling if I was someone else I would have charity out the yazoo, or better yet, I wouldn't have gotten fired in the first place. It's like the universe or God or someone has put a spiritual or psychic scarlet letter on me to keep good luck away. Which brings us back to the evil eye.

I don't know if I believe in it completely or not, but it does explain alot of things. Now that I think about it, my sister and I used to joke that our whole family was cursed because we're so dysfunctional. Maybe we were on to something and didn't know it. And some Christian preachers talk about generational curses, the idea that some habitual, unrepented, ancestral sin could cause a chain reaction of destructive behaviour that flows from generation to generation. And the Hindus, of course, have the famous doctrine of karma, which says that you pay in this life for the sins of previous lives(if that's true, I must've been a real asshole in my past lives).

Of course, all this speculation on the evil eye and curses may be just a way for me to try to cope with my financially and emotionally difficult situation. I think I'm just trying to find some ray of hope, but every hope of a solution to my problem gets dashed. I really thought that asking for money on the net would bring in at least a little money to tie me over, but it's been a total failure. I've tried payday loans, but I never qualify. I called Catholic Charities this morning, but the line stayed busy; and yesterday, I called a charity called Community Action Partners, and wouldn't you know it, they don't help with rent anymore! Hmmmm, I wonder if they stopped helping with rent just when I needed help? The evil eye again!

So, what am I going to do now? I really don't know. I would say I'd pray, but God has turned a deaf ear to me so far, so I don't expect any divine intervention. I feel totally helpless and hopeless. Maybe I'll try creative visualization, you know, mentally send out my needs to the universe and know they'll be met because the universe is naturally wired to give. Yeah, right.

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